Better Libations | Healthy Drink Reviews

Viagra in a bottle?

Another Function flavor I have been meaning to review, and after two failed attempts (drank it without a notepad or camera) I have finally brought you my wisdom and advice.

As is normal for drinks not rife with chemicals and sugar, the scent is rather weak, but definitely speaks of its tropical origins.  The taste is more arousing, a passionate assault on my taste-buds with its twin cannons of passion-fruit and guava.  There’s only a bare hint of the astringent  nature of the supplements and extracts added for its supposed sexual health claims.  It leaves me with no dry-mouth or unpleasant aftertaste.  Yummy.

I see no way to easily or diplomatically lay down any evidence as to its claims, due to the sensitive nature of such information and the personal familiarity of some of our readership, so I will leave it up to the speculation of our readers; also I highly suggest experimentation on all your parts.  Ahem.

I felt a bit of a boost after my lunch, which is usually capped by some drowsy reading in the break-room and a sluggish afternoon.  Sugar content is moderate, 33 g in the 16.8 oz bottle, and the taste is excellent, by far one of my favorites to come out of the labs at Function.

Score: 5 out of 5. A flavorful harbinger of potency, also a first 5 for Function.

– WiseGuise

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5-Star Reviews, Function all natural, drink reviews

What, too obvious?

My experience with Function has been mostly positive, and I happened upon a pair of other flavors to test and tease my palette with.  I’ve been feeling the mental lag recently, apparent in my lack of posts, so I chose to begin with Brainiac.  This one is designated as a ‘Carambola Punch, ‘ that just being the fancy name for starfruit, a sweet, citrus-y and star-shaped fruit.

I crack this one open and ascertain the validity of their punch designation, but the tone is something different than your average sugary fruit-punch.  The starfruit has a spicy hint to it, as does the taste, which is reminiscent of papaya.  However, the taste fades quickly, leaving me with that cottony dry-moth feel I detest so much.

Ginko biloba, a known memory-aiding supplement is present, along with a soy derivative I can’t pronounce, soy PS which considered GRAS (generally recognized as safe) by the FDA and is supposed to aid mental function in various ways.   Zinc and Vitamin E are present and only 24 g of sugar per 16.9 oz bottle.

The taste is different and enjoyable, I only wish it would last.  The mental health effects remain to be seen, although I am feeling slightly perky now, but that could also be the organic beer I consumed prior.  Anyhow, for a better-for-you sport-drink knock-off developed by physicians, it isn’t too bad.  And look at all the big words I used, I must be getting smarter already.

Score: 4 out of 5. Comes on strong, but peters out in the finish.

– WiseGuise

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4-Star Reviews, Function drink reviews

Arriba!

Just in time for the end of spring break weekend, I bring you an apt review, Function: Vacation.  I have been interested by this line of physician created drinks for about nine months, running into them here or there, and mostly enjoying them.  Finding this on my week off seemed rather appropriate, so here you go.

Very sweet-coconut-ty scent, hint of pineapple lurking underneath.  Tastes like a smooth piña colada blend, sweet, tangy and not too much coconut.  However the finish falls a little flat, vanishing off your palette like a sneaky monkey with your untended mai tai.  Easy to chug, I polished the rest off after a serving of chips and salsa, waiting for the magnesium and other supplements to work their magic on my worn out mind and body.

Function remains an independent company, and their line of drinks enjoy wide availability, and I can sleep easy knowing they are committed to making my drink work for me, as they so eloquently put it.  Pleasant tasting beverage perfect for lazing in the sun or just blogging away.

Score: 4.5 out of 5.

– WiseGuise

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4-Star Reviews, Function drink reviews, independent company

South of Las Vegas

I’m fond of this company for making original, tasty beverages, and remaining independent.  We’ve reviewed them before, and after happening upon this in a discount isle, I couldn’t say no.  Well, I could have, but that wouldn’t have been very nice of me.  I opened this up on the outskirts of Vegas on our return trip from San Diego, about six hours into our drive, after reluctantly giving up control of the vehicle to my brother.  I figured I would need some energy to stay alert through the rest of the trip.

This drink has a sweet, citrus-y scent, with a stronger, plant/bark smell when shaken up.  This is not surprising, considering the host of unconventional herbal supplements inside, most of which I have never heard of.  The taste is rather disconcerting, it reminds me of that syrupy, semi-sweet energy-drink taste, and I can detect no hint of the tangerine alluded to on its label.  It’s also rather drying of the tongue.  This does not bode well for this beverage.

As to the ‘energy’ claims of the drink, about thirty minutes after finishing it, I noticed only a slightly elevated energy level, but I had already consumed a 24 oz can of tea earlier, and then an ‘energy enhanced’ candy bar.  Sugar comes in at 28 g per 16 oz bottle.

Although this is not nearly as intolerable as most other energy drinks, it was still too reminiscent of that genre for me to fully enjoy.  I wish I liked this as much as some of their other fine beverages.

Score: 2 out of 5.

– WiseGuise

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2-Star Reviews, Function drink reviews, independent company

Pre-Script: Once again, between work and school, my reviews have suffered drastically. I will try to get up at least one a week; I’m hoping we can break the 100 review mark before the end of the year. My apologies, keep reading, and submit suggestions! Thanks, WiseGuise.

I found this at a local retailer of all things dented, damaged, discontinued and bizarre, but it can be found elsewhere, like Albertson’s, for around $1.30. After another lengthy stay in my refrigerator, I cracked this open and gave it the usual smell test, which hinted at more of a lemonade than a tea. And then I drank it. Drum roll?

I was a little blown away by this drink after my last encounter with Function, which didn’t impress me much flavor-wise. This one is great, it had a sweet, mildly citrus flavor, and a smooth almost milky texture. It was unlike any other ‘honey green-tea’ I have ever had before. Sugars come in at 24 grams a 16.9 oz bottle, not great, but still not Coke status.
Ingredients & Info.

Although it’s a green tea, it is caffeine free, also ‘Physician Developed’ and packed with more vitamins and antioxidants than an Orange County housewife preparing for her next botox injection. Overall, this has been one of my favorite Function drinks, and I plan on sampling more in the future.

Score: 4.5 out of 5.

– WiseGuise

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4-Star Reviews, Function

Youth Trip Vista, cir. Oct 2008

Wow, now that’s an interesting flavor. It’s like a grape shock-tart without the sour…with a buckwheat aftertaste. Yeah. There’s buckwheat in this. I’ll give that notion a few moments to congeal in your mind.

Did you black out for a second there? I know I did. Just brush yourself off and check for any major lacerations. If none, proceed with the review.

This is a crazy strange combo of ingredients, and yet it works somehow. Basically, this drink claims that it can be used in place of sunscreen. It’ll give you healthy skin and cure wrinkles, too. Wow.

I’m split on the ingredients in here… the drink has a ton of ingredients I can’t pronounce, but then on the other hand, it’s made by doctors…hmmm. Sugar levels are just fine: only 26 g for 16 oz. It tastes sweet enough, and the flavor has enough depth and character to keep you interested till the end.

Rating: 4 out of 5 – I’m not sure if it will take the place of your SPF 30, but it has a unique taste and a lot of vitamins, so it’s not a bad choice for midday quenching.

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4-Star Reviews, Function

I apologize for my lengthy absence, as I was unfairly detained by a large beverage company for my negative stance on their beverages. However, I am free now, and will continue in my pursuit of tasty Fructose-free Libations. Also, being in the Spirit of Originality, I am going to take on my own personal style to my posts, as Sir Danithius has.

The Good: I picked up this drink at a local grocery store for approximately a buck thirty, intrigued by it’s simple packaging and lofty claims. Apparently, this drink can “Fight hangovers and rid your lungs and sinuses of airborne pollutants.” I mean, wow. Several months later, after rescuing it from the back of my refrigerator, I actually drank it. It has a faint orange smell, like orange Kool-Aid or orange gummy-bears, without the chemical overtones.

The Bad: Although it goes down nicely, it tastes a like orange Kool-Aid as well, which is not so good. It also leaves an aftertaste, something like licking orange peels, which stays with you like a hangover. It gave me a bit of cottonmouth, possibly connected with the Cruzan & Coke downed previously.

The Ugly: I was already nearing an inebriated state when I fished this drink out of the sticky depths of my bachelor food-keeper, so I was not able to test the veracity of this drink, for which I apologize. Another blogger tried, see what he says here. As for my overall impression, I doubt I would buy this particular drink again based on the taste, although I will keep it in mind on the morn’ following my next bender.

Ingredients and all that

– WiseGuise

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3-Star Reviews, Function